When I first started paganism, I hadn't settled on any one faith. I just started experimenting with different things. But I think that I always had this idea in the back of my head about magic. I hated the town my mother raised me in. I still do. My mother tries to get me to move back all the time, but she does not understand how much I hate that town. They are a very small minded redneck town. My mom doesn't think it is a redneck town, but my mother is a conservative republican with their same bigoted views and their same oppressive ideas. When I thought of magic, I thought of escape. I thought that I could use magic to open the door to another universe, a universe of wonder, and escape through it. But, sadly, magic doesn't work that way. I got brainwashed into believing Hollywood magic was real. I wanted to be like Captain Marvel, where I would call upon the powers of the gods and be a superhero. Or I wanted to be Promethea, calling upon not only the powers of the gods (Thoth and Hermes) but also all the realms of imagination. Yes, I know Promethea is a girl, but to quote the male Promethea in the story, "I never wanted to be a woman, but I always wanted to be a goddess," (or something similar to that.) Both characters use the powers of the gods. I was so in love with mythology in those days. The most powerful image burned into my mind from those days was actually the Phoenix. I so wished to have that awesome cosmic power. It would allow me to go anywhere and do anything. But, nothing ever came to pass. I am still just me, no divine powers and no cosmic powers.
So then I thought maybe if I study enough and try to find that inner power enough, I could be a wizard or sorcerer, like Dr. Strange, and with that I could get out of the town and have grande adventures. Or be like a Ley Line Walker like in the Rifts RPG, travelling to other dimensions and meeting alien beings. But, I found the rules of wizardry too constricting and so after a while, I lost interest in it.
Ley Line Walker
In the end I got out of the town on my own, without the use of magic and so maybe I didn't find the magic I wanted because in the end I never really needed it. I still wish movie and fantasy magic would happen to me, but I have to live my life without it.
Do I still believe in magic? Yes, I actually do. Why? Well there are still so many strange things that happen in the world for me not to. Also, people have believed in magic for thousands of years, it is stupid to just stop believing and call all our ancestors morons. Magic is real, and so are the creatures that live within it. I do believe in science as well, but I don't think we should pit the two against each other. Magic is faith and wonder and emotion and the life of the universe. Science is the orderly way of explaining and changing the universe.